bow, recite, visualize…

I’ve been struggling, as a matter of fact, struggling doesn’t even begin to help one understand where I’m at. I’ve been doing a ngöndro practice for a few months now. I know why I’m doing it, or at least I think I know why.

I bounce my head against the wall every time it comes to the point in the day I need to begin. I get to my space, start doing it and it feel like I’m just going through the motions… bow, recite, visualize… bow, recite, visualize… bow, recite, visualize…

My mind goes into a tizzy, “Do I really need to do this?” “Do I really need a teacher?” “Is this shit really for me?” “What is the plan Nate?” “What are you trying to accomplish here?”

My practice feels like it is in shambles, in small pieces like a house demolished after a hurricane. I hate to quote Katy Perry but she has a song on the radio that includes the lyrics “After a hurricane comes a rainbow.” It’s given me a bit of hope that this shall pass, and has provided a bit of assurance that it will.

I’ve also been reading “Zen Mind, Beginners Mind” and the key thing I’ve learned from it so far is that it is ok to struggle, the beginners mind is possibly the way to be. Not sure if I agree at the moment, but I do understand what Shunryu Suzuki is getting at with those words.

There is no real point to this post, just airing out some stuff, feels a bit better that way!