Wearing me out man!

I posted a quote to my Facebook page today. Some people got the underlying idea that I was trying to convey, while others read into it a bit much and I got some nasty messages about it. So what did I post? Here it is…

“Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else.” ~ Tyler Durden

I wasn’t trying to burst anyone’s bubble, or make them feel like their shiny happy life wasn’t filled with rainbows and butterflies. They can keep on believing that all they want, all I say is good luck with that!!

What I was trying to point out was the fact we all open our eyes in the morning, we all close them at night. When we do close them, we all hope we will open them in the morning. Because, to be perfectly honest, you never know when they will stay shut. The happy shiny world you live in can come to an end at any point, and it doesn’t matter what you have that’s going to make it any better.

Yeah, your Ming vase might look nice, maybe it draws a bit of admiration from your friends. Regardless of what the vase is, and what it does for your “status”, guess what? When the worms start feeding they could care less what you had, you and I will taste the same. I’m sure most Ming vase owners are not reading this post, so it is, in a sense, falling on deaf ears.

I guess what I am trying to convey here, in not so many words, is the fact we all suffer the same. I’ve been full of piss and vinegar lately because of my poor life. What makes me think I suffer any less than the rest of the world. For crying out loud, the stuff I got going on pales in comparison to  the shit a large percent of the worlds populace is dealing with.

I’m not telling you to live your life in a certain way, I’m telling you how I refuse to live mine. I refuse to mope around crying “poor me” all the damn time. I refuse to play the role of victim and moan about my so called rough life. To tell you the truth, it’s fucking wearing me out man!

Ngöndro No More

A friend named Michael, aka @Skandasattva, on Twitter said this morning “Dealing with insecurities and mental garbage this morning. Where the hell is the handle so I can flush this shit from my head?!”

My response was “the handle is in the same place as the shit, give it time, go slow and let the shit settle, than you’ll find it.”

I was a bit quick to respond, but reflected afterward on what I said, and in a way, I think I was talking to myself. I’ve felt similarly the past couple of months, in particular with my “practice”. It’s felt like I’m stuck in “Groundhog Day”, doing the same stuff day after day, after day… where’s the snooze button already??

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bow, recite, visualize…

I’ve been struggling, as a matter of fact, struggling doesn’t even begin to help one understand where I’m at. I’ve been doing a ngöndro practice for a few months now. I know why I’m doing it, or at least I think I know why.

I bounce my head against the wall every time it comes to the point in the day I need to begin. I get to my space, start doing it and it feel like I’m just going through the motions… bow, recite, visualize… bow, recite, visualize… bow, recite, visualize…

My mind goes into a tizzy, “Do I really need to do this?” “Do I really need a teacher?” “Is this shit really for me?” “What is the plan Nate?” “What are you trying to accomplish here?”

My practice feels like it is in shambles, in small pieces like a house demolished after a hurricane. I hate to quote Katy Perry but she has a song on the radio that includes the lyrics “After a hurricane comes a rainbow.” It’s given me a bit of hope that this shall pass, and has provided a bit of assurance that it will.

I’ve also been reading “Zen Mind, Beginners Mind” and the key thing I’ve learned from it so far is that it is ok to struggle, the beginners mind is possibly the way to be. Not sure if I agree at the moment, but I do understand what Shunryu Suzuki is getting at with those words.

There is no real point to this post, just airing out some stuff, feels a bit better that way!