Where I’m At
As you may have noticed, or maybe not, posts have become erratic at best here at Precious Metal. I’m going to explain why, and where this is all going, or not going.
When I started this blog, I had the best of intentions. I planned to chronicle my entrance into the stream, and to report on things I learned along the way. The blog started morphing into something more than just that. I started reviewing things like books, DVDs and most recently vegetarian/ vegan food products.
With all of this, a certain level of “promotion” was necessary, that way the blog, and products that were being reviewed, got noticed more. I got a Facebook page, a Twitter page and anything else I thought would help. I delved right into it all, I mean REALLY delved into it. It began to overwhelm my life, and sadly, I wasn’t seeing it.
This practice started enveloping every moment of my life as well. I took every opportunity to talk about it, telling people all the time what it had done for me. How I was able to see things so differently. The fact of the matter is, I wasn’t seeing anything, I was just regurgitating the same things I’ve read in a million books I’ve read. This buzz word was used, that story was quoted, etc. Cutting through all that bullshit, the real work is living right now. I’ve become more aware of the fact I was using it as a crutch of sorts. I have no intention to do that anymore.
To me, lately, this whole practice is transitioning before my eyes. For me, it has become a moral code. I will not drop this practice, and will never stop trying to understand it all, I will just stop wearing this thing on my sleeve all the time. It’s unnecessary. I’m not trying to market Buddhism, I’m just trying to live this life without suffering.
A couple weeks ago I had a check-up with my new doctor. I haven’t seen a doctor in years. When we sat down, she went over my blood test results. My cholesterol is off the charts, really high for someone my age, or at least I feel that way. I don’t feel old, I’m only 37! We also talked about me finally kicking my cigarette habit. She put me on Wellbutrin and told me to pick a date at least one week after starting the meds, I chose tomorrow.
Because of the risks my doctor was pointing out, I’ve decided to make some changes in my life. The biggest of them being, I will be unplugged a lot more. This damn technology has taken control of my life, and I want it back! This pay week I am purchasing a bike. I am going to get some running shoes as well. It’s time for me to take control of my health and my life.
For too long I’ve focused on “things”, rather than my life. It has hurt my relationships with my kids, my old friends, and most importantly, with my wife. Now, she is probably going to get mad at the fact I am writing this on the internet, so I will apologize to her right now, I am sorry, Leah!
We have been together for 13 years. I married my wife because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, my heart was full of love and affection for my beautiful wife. I remember the day when I saw her and realized I wanted to have her in my life. I was working at a small cellular phone booth in the mall. I saw her walking up toward the booth. She was gorgeous!! Her red hair was flowing freely off her shoulders (I’ve always loved it when she wears her hair down). Her smile was like a radiant beacon, I could not look at anything else (sorry to any customers that might have stopped by at that time). She was alluring and I had to have her in my life.
One night, I invited her over. I may have been a bit dishonest, I told her we were having a party. Well no one showed up, except her, and I was excited that she had done so. One of the most memorable nights of our lives was this very night. We had a great time laughing and having fun most of the night just chatting, etc. When she went to go home, I walked her out. It was snowing, it was one of the fresh, new snowfalls. We had our first kiss that night. It was electric to say the least.
My fascination grew, and we spent a lot more time together. Eventually, she moved in, and shortly after we both moved out of the apartment I was sharing with a friend, and got our own place. It wasn’t long after that I asked her to marry me. Four years into our relationship, we got married, and I’ll never forget that day.
As I waited at the altar for her I was nervous, what could I possibly have to offer this woman, could I really give her everything I’ve got? Yes, I can. Then, she stepped into the walkway and my breath was gone. Here I was, in a house of God, and was thinking He must have sent one of His angels. She was so beautiful and I came to the conclusion I was the luckiest man on this planet. We of course went on our honeymoon right after. We took a cruise to Belize and Cozumel, Mexico. It was one of the best times of my life, I enjoyed every minute I had with her. Her and I were together in our own world on that trip and I loved it. We walked though Mayan ruins, hand in hand, in absolute joy. There were other memories we created during that time, I don’t need to detail each of them, the point is that those days were some of the best days of my life.
Reflecting back on those days, and the days after I’ve come to realize that as time passed I become content, or just comfortable living life as it was. I would go to work, give the kids and my wife a kiss goodbye and off to work I went. I started to disconnect for some reason, whether it be the complacency or something else. I started taking for granted that the best thing in my life was right in front of me. The important parts of my life were withdrawing, as I was living a life in virtual seclusion. I was concentrating so much on me, and the things I was doing, I was losing the people in my life that mattered most.
I have come to terms with the fact I have this “character flaw” of sorts. As mentioned above, when interested in something, I uncontrollably immerse myself. Nothing else matters. Some people have told me it’s a good thing, it just depends on what my point of focus is. My point of focus, from here on out, is to repair what can be repaired. To rebuild the things that need rebuilding. Overall, to pay more attention to my life, and those that share it with me.
I am going to love my kids like they deserve to be. To be there for them when they need me. Whether it’s something as simple as throwing a ball in the backyard, which Alex and I enjoy doing frequently, I will be here for them.
I promise, to my wife, to love her with deliberate actions, and thoughtful words. I will prove to her that I am proud to have her beside me, that she is the most important woman in my world. And, that I love her with every breath I take.
So what does this all mean, to be blunt, I will be disappearing from most online activities. I have disabled/ deactivated my Twitter account. Slowly but surely, I am weeding though my Facebook profile and will be keeping only family members and those I need to stay in contact with. I recently started using Google+ and may keep that for a bit, not sure on that one.
Precious Metal will always be here, how long I stay blogging new posts is the question. I have some books and a product that needs to be reviewed, and since I obligated myself to do so, I will be taking care of those.
This is not a goodbye, even though it feels like one. I will, like I said, be posting some reviews soon. If there is something to say, that is worthy of sharing and could help someone, I will post it. But, there will definitely be a drop off here, there and everywhere else online.
I’ve enjoyed the camaraderie we’ve all had with one another. The online sangha is very supportive, and I appreciate all you do for each other. Keep it up!
ps. Comments are disabled for this post, if you have a comment or whatever you can e-mail it. Thanks.