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Too Much Impermanence

July 20, 2010

Seems at times, especially lately, like the world is falling apart around me. Life and death are so intermingled, creating massive suffering. I feel completely and utterly beat down.

A schoolmate, who I haven’t seen in years, was tragically taken this past weekend. While walking down the street, the details are still unclear, an accident happened and she was struck by a motorist. This has caused a deep pain in my heart and, for lack of a better word, soul. She left behind not only sisters and other family members, but an 11 and 14 year old child.

Today, while I know I shouldn’t have worried to much about it, I checked to see what tributes and words people had left on her Facebook page. Her children had left some messages for her and I fell apart.

There I was, on lunch break, in my work van, weeping like I’d never weeped before. Visions and situations played out in my head. The things I take for granted every single f-ing moment became clear.

I learned it’s time to stopping f-ing around and take inventory of the things around me that are important. Because, if I don’t, life is way to short to not do so. I am grateful to those that have impacted my life in any way and wish I could repay your kindness.

Meh, this blog post is rather pitiful sounding, but man, impermanence is kicking the snot out of me these past few years. Just when things are getting little bit better *BAM* there’s another one. I understand, it’s the way things are, everything is impermanent but man, enough already!

Sorry to vent to much here, once I get a clear head I’ll post something that might make a lick more sense, till then…

10 Comments leave one →
  1. July 21, 2010 9:49 pm

    Thanks everyone for the comments. Bearing witness to all this death is definitely bringing some valuable insight to my life and those around me.

  2. July 21, 2010 7:32 pm

    Sounds like clarity to me — it is truth — that we do take so much for granted, and sometimes that bubble of denial is burst. Sometimes we glimpse the preciousness of life, thanks to impermanence. Bows to your practice, and to your friend.

  3. July 21, 2010 9:52 am

    Wishing you peace and healing.

  4. Danny Fisher permalink
    July 21, 2010 3:23 am

    Very sorry to hear, Nate. Thinking of you in my practice.

  5. July 20, 2010 10:29 pm

    I guess I should put that last response in context. My dog died today. He was 9 years old. As all my non-Buddhist friends kept telling me that I should not meditate tonight, this was my written text response to them. I thought it was fitting here as well.

  6. July 20, 2010 10:27 pm

    A woman’s son died.

    She asked the Buddha to revive him, and he responded he could if she could bring a mustard seed from any house where no one had ever known death.

    She could not.

    In the greater context, no single rain drop creates a flood, no single death suffers the world.

    But as true as it is, tonight, before I sit on my cushion to ponder the impermanent nature of things, I’ll let my tears fall with the rain and fill the oceans with my own water and salt.

  7. July 20, 2010 9:45 pm

    thanks for that Karmadorje… it will get better, it always does.

    After whining in my post I felt a little bike Ponyboy from The Outsiders… it reminded me of a part in the movie where he quotes Robert Frost, and I realized he, and I weren’t whining.

    “Nothing gold can stay” by Robert Frost

    “Nature’s first green is gold,
    Her hardest hue to hold.
    Her early leaf’s a flower;
    But only so an hour.
    Then leaf subsides to leaf.
    So Eden sank to grief,
    So dawn goes down to day.
    Nothing gold can stay.”

  8. Karmadorje permalink
    July 20, 2010 9:32 pm

    You think your post is pitiful sounding & doesn’t make sense, but I think raw posts like this that speak about real life are incredibly powerful & help many people who are going through bad times. Life is not always ‘happy days’ & you are right in that disaster can strike in an instant. I constantly forget this & put off practice to do silly time-wasters that get me nowhere. There is nothing wrong with your thinking Nate. Life is often very hard to take. Hang in there. The good thing about impermanence is that bad becomes good. It never stays bad forever.

  9. July 20, 2010 9:21 pm

    You’re right man… just sucks getting stuck in this rut.

    So is the cyclic existence we live, up and down, up and down, this way and that way…

    thanks for the post and yes, we will get through it!

  10. nathan permalink
    July 20, 2010 9:18 pm

    oh man, i’m sorry.

    i’ve been in a funk for most of the month. job shit. relationship shit. life shit.

    sometimes, things are just sad. this, too, is our life.

    we can hang with it all – even being a mess.

    hang in there!

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