Expect nothing. Seek nothing. Just live
This weekend I was at a buddies house watching the UFC. I have been into MMa since before college so old habits are hard to break.
We got into a discussion of Religion or Christianity. I said I was a Buddhist. My wife quipped that was what I was studying now. I guess in a way she is right. I have looked into alot of religions in my time.
I was raised a Lutheran and we attended church every Sunday. But than my sister got sick and I lost faith in any God. My pastor told me at the time that if I prayed and was a good boy, my sister would survive. I prayed and was good or as good as a child can be. She passed the last day of school when I was in second grade. My dad took me to a Dairy Queen to tell me. I think a part of my father and I died that day. You are not supposed to bury your child.
For many years I had no faith in myself or anyone else. I still find it hard to associate with people thinking they will leave. I not only lost my sister, but also lost two other family members. So three major losses in two years can really mess with a kids head.
I never really got into religion or church. I mean I attended but I was never really there. How could God do this? The thing I remember most of my sisters passing was that her roommate in the hospital had tried a few times to kill herself. There was my sister trying to live and this lady was trying to go. And for some reason they couldn’t switch places. If God would have come done at that point and asked me I would have taken her place in a second. Still would to this day no questions asked. I now bear her name and a cross on my arm.
Back to the original idea. So years went by and I met a Christian guy. We became friends and I started to attend church with them. We went a few times which was hard, I work for the county so it was always sporadic. I had become friends with the pastor and he was counseling me on a few issues. He was always dressed to the nines and was a hip pastor. He helped me alot at that time. I owe him to this day. I was full of hate and rage and he got through some how. We were polar opposites, but he reached out to me when I needed it and I do thank him for that. Well he left and I drifted to another church and that pastor left, same story he was cool in to Star Wars and all. But he left and my friend and I drifted apart. I talk to him on occasion, but he has adopted a few kids now and is doing his own thing.
Than I read a book Dharma Punx. It all seemed right pain, addiction, and Self Loathing. It was me with a few more tattoos. So now I meditate or at least try. I am starting to realize what is important. I am corresponding with Calvin Malone author of Razorwire Dharma. I am searching for the thing that will help me stop hurting, stop worrying and be a better person to my family and friends. To be able to work two jobs and take care of all the things that seem to distract me. But when I look at the bottom line, I am just trying to live. .