Going It Alone

I was listening to some music that I liked quite a bit as a teenager. One of my favorite bands back then was Suicidal Tendencies. Being a fan of the band didn’t mean I wanted to kill myself, it was just the bands name.

There was a song I used to really love by the band, it was called “How will I laugh tomorrow (If I can’t even smile today)”. Listening to the lyrics I reminisced at how awful I used to feel. I can’t really pinpoint why this was, there were lots of things going on. Growing up we all have some sort of issues, but I felt like all of them were upon me. I felt alone, I felt like noone else could pull me out of the funk except me. Just to give you an idea of some of the lyrics here they are.

“Love and peace flash through my mind
Pain and hate are all I find

Find no hope in nothing new
Never had a dream come true
Lies and hate and agony
Thru my eyes that’s all I see”

“If you took a look at my heart you’d see it
I’m trying to be something better
If you look at my heart you’d feel it
I’ve got to keep moving on
If you look in my heart you’d know it
I’m just trying to make my world better
If you look in my heart you’d see it
I got to do it alone”

These words resonated with me at the time, it felt like I thought them up and Mike Muir had somehow read my mind. Everywhere I turned I thought I was doing something worthwhile, but something just kicked me back down. But I never let it keep me down, I felt like I needed to keep on and I tried my best. Until the next thing kicked me down. It was a constant struggle as a teenager. I would do ok in a few classes, but horribly in the others. I tried harder but nothing went my way.

I got shit everyday from the “jock” crowd and the “popular” kids, being one of the few that wore Keds sneakers and Wrangler jeans in school didn’t help me out. I was the kid that excelled at art, so of course that made me a geek of sorts I guess. Because I liked metal music I was called a Satan worshiper, there’s even a picture of me in a yearbook with me reading a book in the library, the caption saying “Satanic Manual #3″. Hell, I wore a dashiki and a baja hoodie, the farthest thing from a Satan worshiper. I staged a walkout during the first Iraq war, but I was a Satanist?

Anyway, the whole idea to write this is to say how much I wish I was aware of the Buddha’s teachings back then. I wouldn’t have felt so “alone” so “disconnected” with everyone and I would have alot more patience and compassion for the people that drove me mad day in and day out. Listening to these songs, I realized for a long time I was “doing it alone”, noone was there to fall back on, or at least I didn’t think there was. The path opened though and I realized I didn’t have to do it alone anymore. There many people out there just like me, that were trying to make the changes in their lives to be a better person.

So although I say I wish I was aware back then, I am grateful for it now. Buddha’s teachings have taught me that I can get up after every “kick down” and there are many people out there to help. It has also taught me to be there for other people when they very well might be getting “kicked down” themselves. None of us has to be/feel alone, we are all here for one another and should do our best to help our fellow brothers and sisters when they need the help.